How do you like your eggs in the morning?

The road to the perfectly boiled egg is a treacherous path through a potential minefield. Imagine my delight when I stumbled across a short cut to breakfast heaven, putting an end to the days where my spoon would expectantly crack the shell, only to be met with a dribbly, gooey mess of uncooked foetus, or worse (you can finish undercooked eggs in the microwave) a hard, chalky yolk that clings to the tonsils. So I discovered how to do it right, no fancy gadgets involved, and I'm going to share the secret with you.

For the perfect egg

1. Place one or two golden brown eggs in a pan of boiling water. The degree of boil is important - it should be absolutely rolling, not just bubbling at the edges, or the end product will have the consistency of runny snot, or worse, semens. To do this, use one of those metal spoons with the holes used for serving vegetables. Lower the eggs carefully into the pan. If you do this too fast, the shells will split with the change in temperature, and your breakfast will leak away before your very eyes. Leave eggs to boil for approximately one minute. Do not put a lid on the pan.

2. Whilst the eggs are boiling, you can use this time to put two slices of bread in the toaster, or under the grill if you are poor. Don't forget to keep an eye on the time!*

3. When the minute is up, quickly switch off the gas (electric cookers are usually considered bad taste and should be avoided) and whip a saucepan lid onto your pan. Leave for between 5-10 minutes, dependent upon preference of consistency. See below for consistency times.

5- minutes - slightly snotty

If you're the kind of person who has their steak blue because the blood makes them feel like more of a man (even though it also makes you feel slightly queasy) then consider this the vegetarian equivalent. Five minutes is just long enough to cook without risk of salmonella, but still runny enough for a slimy yet macho breakfast experience.
Top tip: Dare to be different - undercook it and impress your friends. You can always microwave your eggs for a couple of seconds afterwards if you can't handle the goo.

6-7 minutes - perfectly golden

You're not the type to succumb to peer pressure. All you want is a tasty and nutritious start to the day, and you're not going to let pride stand between you and the perfect golden yolk. Good for you! Ever so slightly hard on top, the delicious centre bursts forth under pressure from your toast like a heart warming caramelly river. Divine when partnered with buttery soldiers. You're a breakfast winner.

8+ minutes- slightly crusty

If you like your whites to be firm, and the yellow stuff soild, then you're an 8 minute kinda guy. If you've taken the time to make soilders, you might as well throw them in the bin** because there'll be no delicious caramel river for you. If you're lucky there might be a hint of that golden goo, buried deeply in the centre. Sprinkle liberally with salt and make the best of it.

4. Once your egg has been in the pan for the desired time, remove with hole-y metal spoon (see, it is a good idea because you avoid dripping excess water onto your plate) and place eggs into egg cups (shot glasses if you are a student). Hopefully you have taken the initiative to butter and cut toast into soldiers.

5. Luxuriate in eggy heaven. Try not to think too much about hen periods.

So there you have it. A contemporary guide to cooking a breakfast that will set you up for the day and won't break the bank. And not an egg pun in sight!

*WARNING! A minute goes a lot quicker than you think!

**Don't actually do this - there's starving children in Africa, and it'll only be mouldy by the time you've sent it to them.